shattered to shelter pt1

Tears keep flowing down my cheeks,

But I stop them like I'm hitting brakes

split seconds before collision,

Tires screaming against asphalt,

Drifting away from emotional catastrophe.

In a way, I need to be held tightly...embraced...

just so my body knows for once,

Just once...how touch can be comforting

rather than traumatizing.

A reclamation of what was stolen.

As kids our brains develop in the first seven years,

like delicate electrical circuits being wired...

If we get confused by experiences too heavy to process,

our little brains bury them under protective rubble...

until we're grown and stronger,

and then a single trigger can excavate

every hidden detail with merciless precision.

But the body...oh it knows...always knows...

instincts never lie...

A wisdom deeper than thought,

A truth beyond language.

Then in a moment after every memory comes to light—

The silence comes—

Heavy, deafening silence.

Tears fight to come down like summer rain,

But if I let them then it's over.

The floodgates opened cannot be closed.

It's like prevention more than protection,

Or maybe preventive protection.

A fortress built of practiced restraint.

So I sleep...I spend most of my days

sleeping or binging series...

hoping the characters' voices would drown out

the sound of my internal cries...

Temporary bandages on eternal wounds.

I am only sure of one thing—

This can't go on.

I have to let my cries out eventually...

Let my soul be held in trusty hands,

Or just held tightly and told that it's over.

That I survived. That I am safe now.

I crave safety—

And giving safety...

Being a shelter to someone.

Building what I never had.

My kids someday would run towards my open arms,

Leaving their dirty feet and sand-covered hands

just crumble within my embrace,

Knowing that I can be their bomb shelter...

without ever having to see the ugly face of the world—

I will stand between them and harm,

Fierce as a lioness, tender as dawn.

This thought brought me comfort actually...

A future where broken becomes whole.

For me, safety feels like a warm embrace

Like bare feet on sun-soaked wooden floors,

The gentle heat rising through skin,

Reminding me I am here,

I am now,

I am becoming.