Divine mystery

God is great... A statement I don't merely live by, but attempt to weave into the very fabric of my being. With each breath, I try to draw this truth deeper into my system, letting it infuse every cell, every thought. 

Yet I harbor no illusions about my standing—I'm certainly not His favorite. I sin and stumble, and if heaven were a hotel with keycard access, there's a good chance mine would be declined at the gates. 

Still, I love and admire God in a way so profound, so personal, I doubt anyone could fully comprehend it. 

The wake-up call was jarring but necessary—perhaps enough to draw me back to His presence. Maybe it was meant to bring us BOTH closer to divinity. Perhaps this is how He operates, preventing good souls from tumbling into the abyss of separation. Who can know the mind of God? 

Meanwhile, confusion clouds my days. Something is wrong with my body—a mystery that persists even after consulting two different doctors. Sickness has become my unwelcome companion, shadowing most of my waking hours. 

If this is God's form of punishment, then so be it. I accept it, though I don't understand it. I know God's greatness transcends all our sins and mortal failings. 

We're human, after all—fragile vessels navigating turbulent waters. The more I contemplate these matters, the more my temples throb with pain. 

A frightening question haunts me: will this ultimately leave me alone? Life unfolds in strange, unfair patterns, and I admit I'm selective about companions. Most guys at university would seize any chance I might offer them—I wouldn't blame them, honestly. 

But how can I open myself to someone now? How can I possibly reveal all that has happened without being abandoned once again? 

The vulnerability terrifies me more than the truth itself. 

I know God hears me, sees me in my suffering. But sometimes that silent witness isn't enough. I need Him to respond—to send a sign so clear, so unmistakable that it leaves me in happy tears rather than these bitter ones that have become too familiar. 

Life is a funny, unpredictable thing. And here I stand: scared, confused, and sick—caught between divine mystery and human longing, reaching for answers that remain just beyond my grasp.