Lately been exhausted and as I'm writing this I'm holding back tears by some miracle...
On my way to university right now, lately been using my weekly 4 hr drive TRY and relax my brain a little, not really working though...every Saturday I keep thinking to myself "okay maybe on my way back my brain would relax"...spoiler alert, it doesn't.
It's not about emotions as it's more of a weight...I want someone to lift that weight off by just listening...
Funny thing is...I never know from where to begin...Rana tried to crack me open I did but just a little bit and mid-sentence my tongue got tied up...and she didn't really say anything to help but she did hug me a much needed hug...
I dont want solutions or pitty, I just want an ear to listen and maybe then some logical thoughts.
I really wanted to meet with Yahia for that reason...but he confuses me and I'm tired but at the same time for some reason that's probably only known to God he's the only person I don't mind talking to and thinks like me (and i would really appreciate his handasa brain input)...Actually I believe him when he said we're (soulmates)...we definitely are!!! But I think as two people who panic when emotionally vulnerable I think that this fact does scare the crap out of both of us...
Everyone around me that has even the smallest window into my life knows that it has been a weird summer but God bless their hearts for trying to make it easier...
Boony for example of course won best birthday gift by getting me the coolest socks ever although she did get me fancy perfume but omggg the socks are amazing I just got them from her last night cause I haven't been seeing much of her since my birthday...she's been busy but our chats around the kitchen table with her and laila work wonders for me...
Laila and I were busy today but still managed to spend 5 mins catching up early in the morning while making tea and she was ironing her smth...
We're both very similar yet very different...but she gives my life meaning...
Yet I feel guilty everytime I try to thought dump on her, she gets really anxious and it burdens her...so I recently decided to just not ...
She'll always be a mother and bestfriend to me and will always be the person who bought me a fridge for my birthday...everytime I remember I just can't stop laughing...its cute though.
My brain is a circus I have no idea how I got here.
I just wanna scream...go to some mountain and scream, I feel mountains are sacred in some way and I read this a couple days ago and I can't stop thinking about it...
الجبال يتجلي عليها الجمال والجلال ويرتقي فيها حال الرجال إذا عاشو خلوة مع الواحد المتعال
Which is true...when God talked to moses it was on a mountain...something absolutely majestic about mountains.
Last Tuesday when I was on the way to gouna I passed by rana and hit the road one hour before sunrise just so I could enjoy the view in between the mountains...the view felt holy and to say it was beautiful would be an understatement...and I didn't feel the time suddenly it was 4 hrs 20mins later and we were there...
I took a mental image and locked the feeling of serenity within me.
Just remembering this right now is making me feel a tiny bit better...
Funny thing is, if anyone saw what I'm posting on my stories generally would never think that anything is bothering me at all...but actually I don't like to show my weaknesses to anybody or even show sadness. Never understood people who post about their ups and downs and just post every single detail....why would anyone do that.
Anyways, I'm getting tired will stop for a protein bar and try not to cry...being emotional is not always a good thing :(
Comments
Post a Comment