Took a shower and went to bed but I couldn't get my brain to stop thinking or sleep also the "maadi hotel" sign is so bright its annoying...so I decided to write....I wanted to write this in my notes app or my journal but I'm too tired to use a pen and my phone is with the kids a lot so....can't say no to Isso or Tutu lol
So here goes ya Lou, since I'm the only one who has access right now I think I can purge some thoughts...
Life has been stressful lately...and I have been trying to keep calm as much as possible but I just couldn't anymore...I didn't do anything but I took a couple days off and well...cried a lot...I don't mind crying since it gets out those emotions we hide deep down...but I was crying with a bad feeling, a weird feeling of anger with a splash of sadness...and a little bit of fear...fear that I drive people away...do I?...I don't know anymore.
I'm really confused, I postponed the session with Dr Perry this week cause food is the last thing I wanna think about on my list...she asked me to write her an email if it would make me feel like getting a load off...I did cause I express everything better in writing and she wrote back making me feel way calmer...
This weekend I counted the times I had to explain myself to people, about 5 !!! But this time I didn't explain myself, I just let them think whatever they wanted...this is what hurts me the most...I hate having to explain myself but at the same time I know sometimes I come off as naive as a 4 Yr old and other times as stupid as a toddler that wants to put his finger in the electric socket. This is where the feeling of regret comes, not regretting actions but regretting not learning how life is...how to be sneaky...how to navigate life and people and emotions and relationships and friendships...
I'm not naive...maybe I am...I just wanna be guided, I was guided through everything in life but life itself...
I know I am smart, it's a fact honestly...I solve masters degree questions that none can solve but me, but I can't not be naive????? How???? Its beyond me honestly....
A couple hours ago...I found a "bors 🦎" on the inside of the window which means it's inside the house...I panicked then screamed then remembered there's no one who can hear me let alone help me so I reached for my phone to call the first person that came to my mind same person that helped when I found a cockroach...then remembered that he's also out of my life...and because of my naiveness ma3aya ya Lou? Bas honestly not entirely my fault hena...back to the bors ...
This also answers why I can't sleep, I know there's a bors somewhere lurking around...and I'm hiding behind the door...
Also the AC is making a weird noise I think I should stop writing and check what's up...
There's so much more I wanna write bas getting tired...don't think I'll sleep tho bas yarab.
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