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Lilo...this one is for you again... I am feeling like crap on toast as michelle would say, I wanna scream my lungs out yet my body is too weak to do so, I know I must eat something nutritious but my stomach refuses to accept any foods other than lattes or water... I texted you saying I wanna vent then proceeded to write here so I can send it to you...but honestly I don't think I will...I think I'll just keep it to myself. I'm struggling right now to stay energetic,I have a p1 CVS exam tomorrow and I'm just solving some questions right now but my brain keeps wandering away...my stomach feels uneasy and I might actually throw up. Usually before any one of my important exams I used to give Rue a marking scheme or even my notes and she would stay up with me asking me all sorts of questions and that always made me feel more confident and helped me keep my memory fresh...this time though that is not an option. I am still gonna do good because let's face it I'm still me !! and I know my capabilities quite well... So I'm gonna wake up tomorrow ace that exam and come back home take a nap study for what's next...I just don't wanna be doing it alone that's it. You know what...I decided I'm not sending you this so I'm gonna go a little bit deeper, I feel like I want a hug that lasts for at least a minute...why? because I feel that my soul is aching it actually is and I want somebody to just wrap me for a minute so my brain would stop braining and my soul feels safe and my muscles sren't stiff anymore... I want to feel safe and secure again...as I'm typing away Lilo just texted me saying feel free to say whatever but I replied saying that I don't wanna be vulnerable...but the truth is I wanna be vulnerable and fall into a million pieces then pick myself back up but each time I got vulnerable infront of someone they ended up leaving sooner or later...maybe that's why I don't wanna be vulnerable infront of him subconciously cause my subconcious mind thinks if I become vulnerable infront of my own brother he would end up leaving too... I know however that one day I'll be able to be my realest raw self and instead of leaving they'll help me dust myself off and I'd do the same for them, that's how people grow in my opinion...but untill then I think I'll have to face my demons as a solo warrior. I started to get emotional and my eyes are tearing up so I guess that's it