About anger and grocery lists

You know what hurts worse than a breakup...the moment your closest person becomes a stranger. Your heart shatters...body shakes...heart races...time is not linear anymore...You feel like a body part suddenly fell; leaving you bleeding all over the place. 

I can't get the words out...it seems like an impossible task, in fact not being in eachothers' lives seems impossible... She's been part of my life for the past six years maybe...not so close at first but made highschool bearable...then after school she made life more bearable... I'm confused...a lot of emotions are fighting for dominance but the one thats winning for now is anger... 

 Did I tell you that I hate it when people play or mess with my hair only very specific people can do so one of them is my hair dresser and even if a diferent hairdresser is available I don't feel comfortable giving them my hair...I don't know why...I LOVE the feeling of people..specific people playing with my hair or running their fingers through it but I used to let her EXPERIMENT with my hair without even caring...I guess what I'm trying to say here is how I let my guard down around her... Even though things were rocky between us the last couple of months but I was sure everything would be "sort of" fine...but the last text she sent me just broke my heart...I kept shaking and distracting myself by studying like a maniac...will that help? I'm not sure all I know is that I keep acting strong until I breakdown while I'm brushing my hair and keep crying my eyes out for three hours. 

 I don't know how but when I looked in the mirror I looked weird...I don't know how, does this happen when you're hurt your physical features change? ... the next morning I woke up feeling restless, kept waking up a lot and spent the night at my aunt's, I couldn't go home...I still feel that going home is a burden at the moment...I love home but I don't know why I'm avoiding it.

A friend tried helping me get my anger out...I know I seemed calm on the outside but my head felt like there was a death metal concert in my head. I went home and as soon as I stepped foot I felt like time is weird (that's the only way to explain it)...I had the most disturbing sleep of my life, I slept like a rock waking up maybe twice through the night but when I woke up I felt an intense amount of rage I didn't know you could physically feel that. My subconscious tried to help get my anger out of my body by constricting very annoyingly detailed dreams of all the stuff that makes me angry, its basically that my brain decided to "Purge" all my emotions because I just keep everything inside and fake being calm, and just hiding the mess under the rug doesnt really solve anything...so now I'm writing this while my heart is beating like crazy and my brain is sipping on anger juice and doing backflips...

However, if I could think rationally for a moment I'm angry at myself the most cause at the end of the day its only me that's there for me...

I've been through hell and back and I'm the only person that was a constant in my life THE ONE sure thing basically...I'm just afraid that after all this I'll look at the mirror one morning and I won't recognize the person looking back at me. 

Everytime the trip back is crazy but it would be nice to have someone in the seat beside me next time...I mean definitely wouldn't complain.

However, there's no point in blaming myself right now cause at the end of the day I can't control what people do or their moral compasses but I could only control myself.

For now I just have to release all that  anger and tension so that my subconscious could shut up and leave me alone or just scream my lungs out whichever comes first or eat gummy bears cause gummies never disappoint(at least for me they never do XD). Also I need to get groceries but that's something else.