about tribes and family

Friends...the title of my favorite TV show (when I say favorite I mean sometimes I decide to be one of the characters and I recite ALL LINES for the entire episode)....friends is also one of the more confusing people / aspect of my real life.

Lately I've been finding myself craving a tribe...a little tribe that I can call my own, be there for each other and do stupid shit together. A chosen family...my friend circle is practically a dot at the moment so the whole tribe thing is not really there.

So...here it is...I'm an emotional person (maybe a tad extra than people around me)...yes I might need reassurance that you're there from time to time but at the same time you can count on me that I'll be here for you...

A couple months ago I had minor surgery, I hadn't told a soul except four people (my brother, 2 aunts and my closest friend) my brother being abroad couldn't be there of course and my aunts had responsibilities and I told them to please not leave those responsibilities and that I'll be okay and reassured them 100 times because I hate burdening people ....but I told my closest friend and I said "no pressure I know you have your stuff but it would be great if you came" she didn't...didn't call...didn't text...nothing. The next day I stayed as put together as I possibly can with the amount of pain I was feeling and went stayed alone at my place to recover...little did I know that since I was on my own I was too weak to feed myself spent three days in bed and cried myself to sleep...after a few days my friend texted me asking if I wanted to come to a party ...so I switched off my phone.

Weeks passed and we kind of moved passed this with our friendship...we talked about it though...

Then...I was practically ditched on the vacation we've been planning for months...

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, but I journaled for a bit this morning (when I start my day with stretching or yoga then I journal everything seems in place)...however, what I wrote down this morning was focused on a question she asked me a while ago "where do you see yourself in 5 years"...our answers didn't even meet along the road, mainly in 5 years I wanna be the best mom that could be....and honestly speaking in 5 years she wants to be doing stuff that I wouldn't feel comfortable with as a friend and especially as a mother.

I changed and I know people change also but while going through the "change rollercoaster" yes I enjoyed the ride, but I felt much better once my feet touched the ground...familiar ground...yes I might enjoy the adrenaline but on the other hand if my ground would be a stable home, watching sunrises, family and athe career I love...then I would choose the ground a hundred times. And I would choose my tribe, or friends to be ones who enjoy the ground yes craving the rush would be great from time to time but wouldn't be their style of living. We all choose our paths...I don't care if anyone says otherwise, I believe we get to choose who we are and who we surround ourselves with...

Personally, until I find my tribe I'll enjoy my yoga and sunrises and pretend the sun throws this amazing show for me and me only....lucky me I guess...