Feelings, emotions and other complicated things.

 As humans, we sometimes well...more than sometimes sacrifice our peace of mind or even remove some boundaries for people who are close to us. Most of the time we feel that it is the right thing to do until we look at the situation from a distance. When we do so it feels like either an AHA moment or a moment of realization of how much of our inner peace or even time was lost...I wouldn't say wasted because I believe that everything we go through has a message behind it or a lesson that is sometimes learnt the hard way.

Personally, my moment of realization was a few months ago...but I couldn't admit it to myself and my closest friend until about a month ago. I was trying to convince myself that I didn't give them enough chances when deep down I know I did...and I also know that I put way so much effort than they put into this connection. I didn't care for the grand gestures but all I wanted was more support when I was greiving last year and I stayed at home for a month and to just be instead of being told that I should get up...I wish it werr that easy at the time....or telling me that some other person has gone through a more intense experience and didn't do what I did....I just wanted to be heard ....I didn't even want replies...

I went to my friend and she told me that  they are sure that I will always be there for them so that's why they're taking me for granted. All I can say is that I really deserved and still deserve way better than that. 

But again, we somehow don't notice this unless we take a step back and see the whole picture from a distance.
-But what about all those years? (I told my friend)
= no! 

It's a simple NO.
As much as feelings are weird and friendships can sometimes be messy...all human connections are if you think about it. That's why we can get lost in the middle and blame ourselves for not doing more while in fact there isn't more to do on our end. 

I think that I offered more than I could at times and the thing is when they finally felt threatened that I'll actually leave this time they started panicking.

I noticed the pattern...so I simply decided to break the cycle.